Losing
by Atopos
Summary: Parallel to 'Reflection' only from Fai's stand point. Fai thinks about family, guilt, and what it means to loose someone or something after being together for so long as he waits for Kurogane to wake up. Could be seen as light yaoi or not .


Atopos - Fai *sigh* is my absolute favourite character in Tsubasa (especially when he and Kurogane start fighting/teasing each other). He's the reason I wanted to get into Tsubasa. The only thing I hated was when I found out he got turned into (part) vampire. I eventually grew to love it like any other fangirl would because this meant that Kurogane and he would get closer.

Anyways... This is the 2/3 fic thing that I'm doing. Originally it was just going to be Fai and Kurogane, but I got a request for Tomoyo, so I did her too. Hope it's good.

R&R, and remember that I own nothing. I'll probably end up sticking to this fandom for awhile now, so get used to it (I'm in love with Tsubasa and anything CLAMP related after Christmas holidays now).

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Losing

Fai sat outside Kurogane's room, against the wall near the closed door, as he waited for…well…anything really. Actually, that was a lie. A lot was going on around him, but he honestly just wanted Kurogane to wake up.

Kurogane.

His rock.

The only stable thing in his life besides the fact that they were constantly on the run from danger.

The entire reason he was alive at that moment.

So many things were going wrong, especially with the kids, and Fai realized that Kurogane might have been right all along: they were no family. Kids would have more respect. Parents would have done more to protect them. He figured the only part that felt truly real from the entire family game was that he and Kurogane did feel as if they were connected by some bond. Whether or not it was like wife and husband, Fai would never know, he had never seen his parents interact with each other before. Although, Kurogane did know, and he seemed to treat Fai with some sort of concern and reverence that would make one wonder about their relationship with one another. But, of course, Kurogane could recollect something as important as his mother and father, and whether Fai could take the place of mother in his mind. Fai highly doubted he could, but he knew that Kurogane took the place of protecter, loyal companion, a leader, father, breadwinner, and almost any other role the man of the household was supposed to play. After all, Fai would rather hide in the background, playing house, instead of being out there in other worlds where a copy of Ashura or his twin might appear.

Fai wished that he could remember something like his family from his past. (Was there ever a time when they had been happy together? Or had their parents always disliked them from the time they were conceived?). And yet, at the same time, he wished he couldn't. Ashura had dealt such a painful blow to him, to Kurogane, that he wanted everything to disappear, present, past, and future. Kurogane, though, must have seen some worth in keeping in alive even after seeing his past. At first in the journey, Fai had felt pulled between the two people he cared so much about. Now he had no choice but to tag along with the person he would have followed to the end anyways.

He needed Kurogane and Kurogane, for some reason, wanted him.

Fai considered sleeping - his back against the hard wall and half his mind paying attention to any sound that might interrupt him or Kurogane's healing sleep - with the knowledge that Kurogane still wanted him by his side, that they were still 'friends'. However, every time he closed his single vibrant eye, reminders kept jumping out at him. Sometimes it was the clone coming towards him and he would awake with the fear of the upcoming pain. Sometimes it was of stabbing the Princess with the sword and he could still feel his hands shake with the thought of killing someone so easily.

Lately, though, the shame and hatred towards himself fell open to him through his dreams. So many evil things he had said to Kurogane, Kurogane saving his life without a second thought, Kurogane…

Fai closed his eye in thought regardless of what came to him.

The scene behind his single eye was the vision of the blood on his hand when he had attempted magic to save them all. Kurogane had taken him by the wrist and tried to pull him out. He then saw Kurogane's face when those red eyes fell upon him with guilt, regret, anguish. When Kurogane relented, Fai believed that he had saved everyone he cared for. And then Kurogane decided to be a hero.

The next thing he knew, Kurogane's blood had covered his face and Kurogane had ahold of him once again. The feeling of Kurogane holding him so protectively would remain forever in his mind, especially if that was going to be one of the last moments in the living world they would have together.

Fai moved a shaky hand up his right arm, shook his head, and then dropped his hand to the floor.

Kurogane may never be able to hold like that again. He had held Fai with his left hand. Where was that now?

And that thought alone made Fai's body clench with remorse. He wanted Kurogane to live, but not like that. He already knew what it was like losing a body part that he relied so much on and, believe him, it wasn't pretty.

But the pain to losing a part of one's body was so much less compared to losing someone he cared about, a part of his soul, a part of his life.

He was sure Kurogane felt the same way.

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- Atopos


End file.
